School Daze (part one)

or

What’s so bad about messing up the kitchen if it gets your kid into Harvard?

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If school were all that we wouldn’t need summer vacation

            I don’t really consider myself an expert in many things, least of all child development.  I never thought of myself as having the qualifications.  I'm a dad, but as far as I know there isn’t a test they administer before you attain such a distinction.  I was a kid once, so I guess I have my memories.  But I never thought I was in a position to speak educatedly on childish matters. 

            Then one day I was shootin’ at some food, and up from the ground came … this grown up doctor who told me, “I was in your group at the CAC when I was twelve.”  The surprising thought came to me, “Wow, I've been conducting children’s theatre workshops for over twenty years!”  And one thing I always noticed in my groups, way before I was aware of such things as educational options – homeschooled participants far out-performed their peers, were way more stable in the social environment, never had typical ‘dramas’ other kids had, and their parents – though generally as annoying as most other parents – showed a keener interest in the whole experience for their kid.

            And now that I'm an old papa with new babies, I've had literally a generation of input and observations on how kids become former-kids.  And one thing stands as clear as the Gulf of Mexico isn’t right now:  homeschooling can save the country.  And if your country goes down the tubes, the homeschooled kids will be fine.

            There’s more than a few issues that get dragged into this discussion, so sadly for you, my kind readers who like to comment that I ‘rant and rave’ and have a ‘mouthful’ to say, this may be a two- or three- parter.  So I might review a movie or two in my next blog just to break up the scholastic tone.

A Ton of Homework

            There are a couple of things that have to be laid out at the top because these discussions, if you deign to research them has a lot of noise.  Education, at least in the States and in Britain, is an explosive political football.  Every elected official tries to distract us from waste and corruption by rolling out the ‘Education’ mist of horse manure to get audiences to like the official.   The sad side-effect of this is that once they are in, and without any real mandate from an under-educated constituency, the scary monster under the desk called ‘Education’ gets shuffled off to school boards and superintendents.  I will eviscerate these scumbags in a future blog but there is so much time and so little to do.

            One reason information to us, the wonderful people, is held captive by the bad people on both sides, is that the arguments rage on while each group stands on slippery concepts, allowing for much mischief.  As we look into these terms I hope you will see how scary this subject really is for many people unprepared to look at it. 

     Here is what I mean when I say:

·         Mature – this slippery word gets used in so many contexts, it can mean a lot of things:  a good wine, a rich insurance payout, a well-constricted child in the classroom, a reason to keep your grandmother from driving, and if you venture into porn, it is the scariest word in the dictionary.  For my purposes I will use it sparingly, and to indicate a person who chooses to avoid dramas that force others to stop what they are doing to tend to that drama.

·         School – we all know what school is right?  Do we?  Very few people, except those with an advocacy axe to grind, really answer the basic questions of what school should do.  And those axe-grinders -- cult-militia types for example – dwell exclusively on one function for their own diabolical purposes.  For the rest of us it is a scary exercise to pin down the roles of a school, cuz then they have to conform to them, and well, look to any newspaper for their excuses on why that doesn’t happen.  Anyway, for this essay I expect school to

·         Teach the 3 R’s

·         Demonstrate to the kids good citizenship in the community

·         Encourage technological as well as creative thinking

·         Have some sort of plan for dealing with spirituality, even if it is to declare itself neutral and throw it back to the parents

·         Teach physical, nutritional, and mental fitness

·         Finally I don’t expect schools, whether in the home or in those ugly federal brick buildings, to be perfect fonts of information

·         Parents – the “accidental school.”  Everything parents do, from espousing their political views, to how they slurp their soup, educates their kids.  I have a dear friend who listens to a pleasant little band, but openly wonders why her three year old likes their music so much.  Well same reason why my older kids adore the Clash even though they were babies in that band’s heyday:  mom and dad love it, so it’s ok for baby to like it too. 

My opinion, not a fact, is that parents should be one hundred percent responsible for filtering all educational input for their children - whether that means helping with homework, making a school play costume, or patiently explaining that just because the teacher accidentally said “Shit” in classroom doesn’t mean you should say it, Billy - the final thumbs up or down on a learned concept comes from the Pee & Em.  

It also means instead of picketing the school to (let’s take one example from the left and right) get rid of Huckleberry Finn, or get rid of that diabolic textbook that says the earth is four million years old, it is the parents’ duty to ‘correct’ the flaws from school, and from all outside experiences in the home setting.  Yes, this means that kids may have different opinions than the ones we vote on whether they are homeschooled or public schooled.  I'm in a small Texas town as I write this, and I just went to their Fourth of July celebration amongst the locals, and re-read my last sentence.  Scary huh?

·         Curriculum – this isn’t just class plans and field trips – it must be a well-thought out schematic for what the ultimate goals of the program will be.  A friend of mine, when he was fourteen, left his homeschooling to go to a pretty good private school because he pretty much hated his dad.  He left the school at the end of the year cuz he was mystified that they “didn’t teach the whole book.”  It’s not enough to pick a killer algebra text with kewl references to Sting or Super Mario or the Los Angeles Lakers,  the school has to go the distance and declare “Every student will have these abilities by May.”  Really scary, huh?

·         Socialization – ooh hoo hoo this is the big one.  So big, that among homeschool freaks, especially the religious hacks, it is referred to as the ‘S’ word.  It makes me chuckle because they spend their time trying to nail it down, polish it up, so they can validate their already valid educational choices, but because it is a slippery word it scares them.  I chuckle cuz it’s kinda like revenge for the way the religious folks insinuate themselves into evolutionary arguments and dwell on slippery concepts like no one was actually around two million years ago to leave a time capsule with a calendar in it so they make all their claims from that uncertainty, so it’s fun to see them squirm a little on this one.

However socialization is an amazingly instant deal-breaker for a majority of (institutionally educated) noobs who are uncomfortable with the idea of homeschooling.  I'm already up to 1200 words in this blog and I'm still introducing the subject so I will wind this up soon and promise you that the next installment will be all about (cue the music) socialization.  Any comments on this first part with screeds about socialization, or other pre-emptive attempts to debate me, will be handled in a mature way – I will ignore you until I have a chance to spam my infallible wisdom upon you all.

Oh yeah my definition of socialization:  raising kids not to be assholes.

Fear Factoring, Will This Be on the Test?

            As promised I will deal with issues to homeschooling in future blogs – I'm not sure how many there will be, but the next one will be on socialization, the one after that will be on how homeschooling is actually normal and what most of us think of as normal school is not, and if I have the energy, I might wrap it up with something amazingly ingenious.  Or not.

            Before I go though I have a couple of theories on why we post-industrial, post-nuclear-scare, post-Red Sox-curse parents harbor these issues surrounding modern education.

a set of parents that have raised pretty good kids could raise a hundred dogs without breaking a sweat

Theory 1:  Grownups are afraid of children.

            They have the skin we want, they have the energy we want, they have the hair we want.  They ask questions that a hundred fifty years ago weren’t considered rude “Mama where does poop come from?”  “Papa, why is that lady in a wheelchair?” “How come my doll doesn’t have a peenie or a vee-gee?”  But most of all, when you hold a baby, and consider the length and breadth of the next eighteen years it scares the beejesus out of you.  And that’s assuming no jail or teen pregnancies in the future.

            These days almost everything can be handled virtually:  banking, consuming news or music, booking a vacation, hitting on chicks, learning a language, even paying taxes – they have a commercial in Houston of people ordering pizza and getting show tickets from their laptop while waiting in a movie line.  Let’s face it, it’s a pretty cool time to be alive.  

There is no way to raise kids virtually.  This sets up a ‘slow down’ in the middle of a seemingly quick-paced, smooth-running day. 

            This is one reason I see the fetish-ization of dogs in our country.  I hear people all the time say “I raise a dog, this is my substitute for a child.”  Really?  Let me tell you something, a set of parents that have raised pretty good kids could raise a hundred dogs without breaking a sweat.  You feed it in the morning, go to work, jog with it in the afternoon, and take it to the park sometimes.  Dogs conform to our virtual non-home lifestyle.  This is not an indictment of dog-owners, it’s just with rugrats you need to have a lot more dedication and attention.

            Add to that the typical day-to-days for most people are not geared to mesh with the needs of kids.  Two working parents now necessary to pay for cable tv, decent food, and a leaf blower really need to budget time if they want to mess it up with kidlets.  The whole concept of ‘the Terrible Twos” is a relatively new one.  It evolved because normal child development patterns directly conflict with getting to work on time.  When Mama steps out of the shower in the morning to see all of her makeup spread across the floor, she isn’t going to immediately recognize this as a normal developmental place for a two year old to be -- experimenting, theory testing, testing boundaries, applying color theory, tactile discovery, etc.  She’s going to be like “That’s two hundred goddam dollars worth of Estée Lauder!!”

            A more appropriate term than “Terrible Twos” would be “Inconvenient Twos.”  Inconvenient, years of commitment, having to re-learn what photosynthesis is, and many more scary issues have all conspired to make the modern day IPhone-toting executive absolutely horrified at the thought of changing diapers.  And who can blame them?

Theory 2:  Most people hated school as kids

            Sure you have your memories of the sophomore chicken barbecue or a really cool art teacher who used to hang-glide to school, but most folks, if pressed, will say school, especially high school, sucked.  I mean don’t you remember your parents trying to help with chemistry or something and they would say things like “Oh I hated this stuff when I was in school.”  (With of course the unspoken addendum that we had better learn it.  In my day, parents would smoke at this time while telling us not to; and not vote, while telling us to.  So, what can we say other than parents, and most teachers, are human.) This aversion to school really dictates how society proceeds with school programs in every "advanced" nation.

            And students that actually like school are ostracized or, at the very least, considered ‘weird.’  I had eight (sic) kids in my math class in my high school class of 200 students cuz we were, yknow, freaks. We were the ‘smart ones’ who got math.  We gleefully scarfed up our lessons so much so, that by the time I graduated I could test out of first year college calculus.  Us guys didn’t really like most of our other classes, but we had a great math teacher who was a different order than the rest of the nuns, was Italian among a largely French faculty, and operated her class differently than the others.  In a future blog I will talk about how important it is to not be afraid to give kids lots of work – she certainly wasn’t.  And we loved it.

            I think it is noteworthy to point out that none of the eight of us, including the two girls, got dates to the Junior Christmas dance.  Oh wait, Kathy O’Malley did go – she had the most perfectly, large-but-not-too-large, shaped breasts of anyone.

So I supposed we learned an important socialization lesson there.

Next week (or whenever) School Daze (part 2) “He That Lives by the S Word …”